Acceptance

So....

Driving this morning the fall clouds caused a conscious moment; one of those absolute presences where I can't think about anything, but just feel everything. Its like my skin (in that fraction of a moment) took on extra receptors.

this presence is what so many people call consciousness, present moment, zen, self awareness or even love. I enjoy accepting and feeling these moments, without thought, without direction.

Then....

I notice the fall sky illustrated to me change is near. I feel it.
externally and internally. a challenging conversation with a dear friend included the line... "what you did was wrong, just wrong." when I heard this word, wrong, I felt no connection to it. it didn't even hit hard. it was foreign. I've never heard anyone use that on me. "wrong" I uttered as if not knowing the meaning. then it occurred to me, this word doesn't exist in my dictionary. my response?

LISA: "wrong?" "what I did wasn't wrong."
"what YOU did wasn't wrong."
"what we did in the moment was the best thing we could possibly have done in that moment when confronted by fear or the absence of self love. there is nothing wrong with that moment, its perfect. there is no judgment I have about you or myself about that past moment. its gone."

"As for me, I hope you would never see anything I did as wrong or judge it to be so. But, rather we accept each other and ourselves as people that are doing the best they can in each moment while managing the pool of fears and inadequacies we swim in. certainly there are things we can do for those we care about that don't exacerbate our fears. those are the things we can attempt and talk about, without judgment or expectation; how we can help each other manage fears and increase love.

oddly I know there is unconscious behavior and conscious behavior. I don't judge behaviors as right or wrong; hard for some to imagine, but it helps me to be ever more present, feeling the clouds, feeling this existence.

who we really are

hooligans, originally uploaded by lmpicard.

Ok its been some time since I've blogged. I've depended on twitter to get some micro thoughts out there, yet twitter can't hold these thoughts I have now. These thoughts and conversations I'm having with so many of my friends. These conversations are about the loss of fitness as they age or the race win identity they once had. I recently wrote the following in an email to a good friend.

-----
I will say about aging and it's relationship to racing, life, fitness, etc.
is THAT to transition successfully...
we move from a place of doing to a place of being.
we realize that wining and being at the top of our game is really dependent on other people; them being less than we are.

As to BEING....
We just ARE (that is who we are) irrespective of winning or losing.
We aren't dependent on anything to be ourselves (at the core);
We aren't dependent on winning a race to be a thoughtful, caring, giving, beautiful human"being".
WE just ARE and that is beautiful, so beautiful.

We realize that there is a much bigger "win" when we can share ourselves and open ourselves to the possibility of connection.
In that effort of opening we find that everything just IS (as it IS), and this just is the beauty of pure being.

I observe in myself the desire to find living in things or titles, and it is a challenge to shed this notion or form.
I find more and more that the depth of my life rests in nothing specific, but being alive, enthusiastic and sharing this conscious space with those capable of receiving.

AND I try not to let my ego take this positive space and say this is my "winning game" (i.e. my identity) 'cause that's fleeting too. Keep opening your own mindfulness, awareness, consciousness of what truly makes you. We will find that the loss of the "race" identity will allow us to see that this identity was never us in the first place.

Define me not for what I was, or "may" become....
but what I am right now....
the person writing this text and posting it to my blog. that's all.

SoCal Trip

SoCal Trip, originally uploaded by lmpicard.

its been a while since I visited california. i missed the weather, but i didn't miss the lifestyle dominated by traffic and congestion. wow is it bad. laguna is wonderful. biking and ashtanga yoga, wonderful. wow, i didn't realize its been so long since i blogged. I've been micro blogging instead (twitter). okay, i need to get back to it, need to be more relevant. soon. soon.

tucson trifecta

Rocks and Ropes, originally uploaded by lmpicard.

Yesterday was a great LAST day of my holiday season in Tucson. I biked, yoga-ed, climbed. Then a last few hours spent with good friends and amazing food.

Tucson Adventures

Tucson Climb, originally uploaded by lmpicard.

I travelled to Tucson this year for the holidays. I brought Doug. We climbed, hiked, biked, talked, walked, drank, ate, biked, talked, biked some more.

He missed his flight.
Hung out a few more hours...

Great time.